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As far as the guests should be concerned, both bride and groom were hatched from an egg seconds before the ceremony and have never so much as touched another human intimately. The stories you tell are ones he should half expect to come up anyway. Reminders of criminal activity are verboten unless it's from childhood, petty and victimless. Anything that happened on the stag weekend is not for here. Nobody cares how big his penis is except his wife and she very likely already knows. Also, this is probably not the time to talk about when you both went through the wrong door in a club in Berlin and only found your way out three weeks later.

One of the most annoying parts of any wedding speech is being asked to raise your glasses every two minutes in honour of all manner of stupid things. Brides and bridesmaids, yes, fine, and dead relatives if you must, but Doug the chauffeur, the clergy, the speed-dating hostess who introduced them, the DJ playing at the club where they first kissed and Joanna Lumley can probably be left aside.

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Ten minutes is fine, honestly. Never go on longer than the father of the bride. Everything you need to know about the Royal Wedding. The fashion industry experts pick Prince Harry's wedding outfit. MORE: The 10 stages of every hen party.

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Well, I do hope that John and Sarah enjoy their honeymoon in Wales. David knows his wife so well. Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. As the people sitting near to me at the table can testify, it really is possible to smell fear. If you could keep the clapping and yelling to a minimum today, I would appreciate it as I have a horrible hangover.

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